Beth (B) – Lord – What do you want to say? I’m feeling very unsteady, feeling like this is shaking and if you are allowing, it feels unsafe on some level – somehow different than if enemy – feels unsure – God allowing all this mess – and yet I am depending on you to clean it up – so much pain just below the surface. Anger, frustration, disappointment, disbelief (lots of “How can…” questions), how can I be so ill equipped? So frustrating. So, what does all this look like to you?
God (G) – It looks messy but with a purpose.
B – I’m frustrated Lord because I hear all this great stuff about the purpose, tidy and useful, but I don’t see it and I don’t feel it – it feels really messy, it feels painful to go through, it feels hard – it feels like deeper layers of ripping and tearing – it feels too much – I feel inadequate, I feel way over my head. I want to give up and just say enough – I cannot take this anymore. I hate gritting my teeth and heavy and burdened and sad and empty and angry – I hate it. This is not where I want to be – so what else – Lord, help me with my selfish, belligerent, chin out attitude – help me hear your heart –
G – You are lovely, and I love you.
B – Ok – I don’t feel that way – help me see me and others and things as you do.
G – I can fix it.
B – Ok – I believe you – please fix it – this hurts and I am not happy –
G – I want you refined –
B – I know, and I pray for that too – but this hurts – please refine me – I want to be like you but please let me know what to do between here and there.
G – There isn’t a road map, but I do want you to lean in and stop running. Stop trying to escape and come hide in the shadow of my wing. (Psalm 91)
Let everyone who faces you face me! Let me protect you. Hide in me. I’m a safe place. I love you and I want you to be near. It means you’ll need to slow down, be kind, smile. Give me the pain, the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the frustration, the discouragement. I did not call you to carry that. That is not your job or responsibility.
B – What is?
G – Keep your face turned toward me, even in the midst, big, deep breath and let it go. I am right there. Your life is not a joke to me, and your life is not a lie. Yes, there is a purpose, and you know it is good. So just relax in this place and let me do. Be obedient to what is good, and pure and right. You are part of my plan. Stay with me. Do not wander. Stay with me.
B – It feels scary.
G – Come closer.
B – I am sad.
G – Bury your head in my chest and cry.
B – I feel less than.
G – Come let me tell you why you are more than enough.
B – I feel like I disappoint me.
G – You never surprise me, and I love you just the way you are. You are just right. How are you now?
B – Better. I don’t feel alone. I feel loved. I feel safer.
G – Come closer and stay. This is where I want you, right here with me. Where you are weak, I am strong. Let me be strong for you in this. Let me be strong.
B – Ok, yes Lord. Please stay with me.
G – I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Excerpt from An Encourager’s Heart