Has there ever been a place inside you so deep that any light is excruciating? It happened to me when I was in the midst of miscarriages. It would swallow me whole and leave me empty. It sometimes still creeps near, even now, though I am quicker to believe the truth and see the deep pit full of lies for what it is.
My heart broke when I heard in less than 24 hours that two women I knew had committed suicide. Both had children my son’s age. Both were broken. Both yearned for healing. One with Jesus and one maybe without.
Depression, this awful, sneaky, quiet, hidden thing captures a heart and there it is. It is hard to go to imaginings and thinking, because I have felt it and I am sad I wasn’t there to love and bring truth. And in sadness and tears, Lord, how close I have been, the depth of despair, the chemical imbalance, the hormones, the empty, helpless, awful feeling that it will never get better and believing and agreeing that my feelings are truth.
And then I feel fear as I wonder who around me needs to know they are not alone and then it feels like everyone and then and then…. I sensed a Holy Spirit moment, and I was compelled to speak out with a small group, to encourage us all to love, hug, smile, share kind words, because we don’t know what others are going through and how we can touch them. How I underestimate the moments you give me to be a light to others. And oh, how beautiful it is to you. And how much bigger it is than I can even imagine.
My time with her, was it enough? And then my not reaching out, wishing I could have done something, missing time with her and then the sadness of not knowing about the memorial and finally thinking about her girls and her husband and the wonder of their hearts. Lord praying. Help me pray when I think. The truth is she is with you and you are protecting her girls and her husband and friends and family.
My heart breaks with the reminder of feelings of not being enough, of feeling unloved, uncared for and my heart aches as I imagine what her girls may feel. I pray that you would right their hearts to you; that the girls could receive your tender loving kindness to heal the broken places in their hearts. That they would be settled knowing that their mom loved them dearly and well and completely and this choice does not define them. Oh Lord, how barren my prayers feel because I know you know all this better than I do and yet I feel. Sadness, turn it Lord, my sadness, mourning into the joy of the Lord is my strength. Show me your way in this Lord.
And as I wanted to mourn the passing of my sister in Christ, I was overwhelmed that she is not mourning. She ran her race. But then I heard, “I got you”. At once I was startled. It sounded like the enemy. And for those that are not believers, it is the cry of his personal victory. It is all about little him. He has snatched another into eternity without God. But for my believing sister, “I got you” spoken by Jesus, has a completely different meaning. Jesus speaks words of peace, protection, joy, love, oneness, belonging, and victory, for my sister and all her cares, sorrows, worries, tears, regrets, all of “you”, Jesus has for eternity and he is celebrating and it is all about glorifying Daddy, loving his bride, unity, relationship, oneness.
So yes Lord – help me hear it now on earth as it is in heaven. It is true today. “I’ve got you”, Jesus says, about my comings and my goings, front and back and all around and you, Jesus, are celebrating. You are full of love, joy, peace, mercy, grace. The truth is Jesus is saying, “I got you”.
My sister is with Jesus. Thank you, Lord.
Daddy, lover of my soul, you know and you love and you care and you protect and you proceed on task and build up and do not tear down. You are I AM and I can rest all my worries, in you – and trust and know that you are a good, good father. Thank you, Lord, for your peace that surpasses understanding. I am choosing you and your way over all and giving you my everything – thoughts, concerns – all Lord.
Excerpt from An Encourager’s Heart