Feeling funky. Not sure what to do with these feelings. I want to hide. Feels like a wasting time kind of day. Feels crappy and yet it feels like all I can do. Lord, not sure what to do? What is the trapped feeling? Feeling like I sit, wait, make myself available (to family), then when blows up, it feels wasted (related to a very hard day of homeschooling). So if wasted isn’t your way, what was up yesterday and why do I still feel agitated and not useful? What is askew? What is up? I want. What I want is not happening. Agitated in trying to control and not having control? Agitated in wasted time? Agitated in what doesn’t happen or get done? Agitated that I carve out, set aside, time, energy and then it is awful. Feeling funky Lord. I don’t like this at all. Feel undervalued. Lord, I don’t want to stand in the circumstances. I don’t like it. I don’t.
Where does my peace come from? It isn’t in people, it isn’t in circumstances, it isn’t in stuff or money – has that really been stripped? I still want money. I want your peace that surpasses understanding and yet I detest the circumstances. Gigantically hate the circumstances. Making order out of chaos is only something you can do. I can’t. Feeling a stingy, measured, calculating spirit from others. What is it? It is not good and yet I am wooed to rest, trust, know, you are a God of unconditional love. You are true, absolute, full of justice, forgiveness and grace, beauty and life, peace. I am tense. I don’t feel rested.
My identity is not changed by others. I am amazing, loving, nurturing, believing, trusting, peaceful, joyful, happy, generous, thoughtful, responsible. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not hurting, wounded, triggered. I am free. I AM says it is so, so I am believing it is true. They know nothing. They don’t know me. I feel like I don’t get any credit for the wife, mother, person I am. It is interesting the loaded, angry, fearful, hurting conversations. Lord, let me be strong in you. I am feeling sad. Measuring, stretching, striving, trying. Lord help me. Away devil. I AM is settled. I AM is Daddy. He is my protection.
And later,
I am in a funk and I don’t know what to do with myself. I think write, work on book, read Acts, believe more, stop thinking, relax, rest, praise, thank, aargh, ugh, it all sounds like work. What is with this self agitation? This does not feel restful or free. This feels like labor. I am angry, disgruntled, unsettled, uneasy, feeling unloved, unappreciated, thinking the importance of relational connecting and the disjointed feeling in family. Aargh. What is it?
So many things I could do and yet feeling this is not solved by doing. This is not. Everywhere I look I think do – (assorted house chores). I hear you bird. I react. Whole day feels heavy. What the heck? What hurts? What’s heavy? What is askew? Aaargh – to Acts 11
Acts 11:9 (TPT) “The voice spoke to me again, saying, ‘Nothing is unclean if God declares it to be clean.”
I invited Jesus to my Pity Party (LOL) and He arrives bringing His joy and peace and love. His presence is waaaay more fun. I am settling in with you and your truth. Thank you Lord.
Excerpt from Truth In Hard Places